/sonofmog

"I really enjoy riding my bike to work, even though I’m riding in on a crappy little Schwinn..."

bracktoe — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 10:42:59 -0500

“I really enjoy riding my bike to work, even though I’m riding in on a crappy little Schwinn which was probably manufactured in China. I think it’s funny when other bikers pass me, look at me on my bike and shake their head, speeding on down the road on their custom frames. Hey man, it’s not my fault your bike doesn’t have streamers like mine. Get over it.”

- sonofmog

"I had my recurring dream last night where Chewbacca is my roommate in college, and is always giving..."

bracktoe — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:59:46 -0600

“I had my recurring dream last night where Chewbacca is my roommate in college, and is always giving me b.s. excuses on why he can’t unclog the hair from the shower drain. I don’t even get what you are saying half the time, bro.”

- sonofmog

"Every morning I spend about 10 minutes trying to adjust the temperature of my shower head to that..."

bracktoe — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 12:05:07 -0600

“Every morning I spend about 10 minutes trying to adjust the temperature of my shower head to that magic fraction of a centimeter on the dials between Death Ray and Freeze Beam I call the habitable zone. Today I was running late and didn’t have the time to zero in on the right temperature, so I chose to be flash-fried rather than risk hypothermia. After about five minutes of standing in what I imagine to be a few degrees removed from the surface of the Sun, I turned it off and emerged. I stepped out and looked at myself in the mirror. I was a giant lobster of a man. Standing there in my 72 degree apartment, I was billowing steam like a plate of dumplings freshly removed from a boiling pot. I proceeded to the bedroom creating a trail of steam in my wake as if I were a train chugging through the countryside. I hastily put on some random clothes, not paying attention to the fact that every article was wrinkled. In the next two minutes of brushing my teeth and combing my hair, my clothes unwrinkled themselves. I then realized I no longer needed an iron. I was in fact, Iron Man.”

- sonofmog

"The thing I don’t like about guns is that for them to be useful, you have to use bullets. You..."

bracktoe — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 14:16:02 -0600

“The thing I don’t like about guns is that for them to be useful, you have to use bullets. You have to put in the extra effort to load the gun, which uses up valuable seconds and broadcasts your intentions in a crisis situation. This is why when confronted by danger, I just immediately hurl myself head-first through the air towards my assailant, thereby becoming both the gun and the bullet in one deadly package.”

- sonofmog

"Why is it that when I walk into the restroom at work and see someone else using my preferred toilet..."

bracktoe — Tue, 18 Sep 2012 16:42:00 -0500

“

Why is it that when I walk into the restroom at work and see someone else using my preferred toilet I feel slightly betrayed, like I’ve caught a significant other in the act of cheating on me with someone else?

I thought we had something, toilet.

”

- sonofmog

I made some photo-postcards for my fiancée while we were doing the long distance thing. Just discovered she kept them all.

bracktoe — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 14:09:00 -0500

I made some photo-postcards for my fiancée while we were doing the long distance thing. Just discovered she kept them all.:

"I remember the time I thought the Ronald McDonald statue sitting on the bench was like Tin Man from..."

bracktoe — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 09:11:00 -0500

“I remember the time I thought the Ronald McDonald statue sitting on the bench was like Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, and could move again if someone applied special sauce to his joints. I don’t envy the employees who discovered my attempt to free him.”

- sonofmog

"I must have had a sour look on my face, because my fiancée asked me if something was wrong. There..."

bracktoe — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 10:42:00 -0500

“I must have had a sour look on my face, because my fiancée asked me if something was wrong. There was, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her. I’d spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out if Ducktales and Darkwing Duck exist in the same universe.”

- sonofmog

I wake up, every day... right here.

bracktoe — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 08:58:00 -0500

I wake up, every day... right here.:

I made this one night while I was pondering the true nature of the internet and it’s relation to Bill Murray. Yes, I realize it has typos.

"Sometimes when I watch the Lord of the Rings movies I just have to sit back and really admire and..."

bracktoe — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 11:27:39 -0500

“Sometimes when I watch the Lord of the Rings movies I just have to sit back and really admire and respect the amount of time and effort it must have taken Tolkien to fully flesh-out and realize such a beautiful, enormous and fantastical world with all manner of interesting creatures and characters all living in constant fear of a giant lighthouse.”

- sonofmog

"I remember fondly working in a hotel for a time. I used to play this game where if a guest was being..."

bracktoe — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 08:12:00 -0500

“

I remember fondly working in a hotel for a time. I used to play this game where if a guest was being truly beastly to us (i’m talking Skeletor evil here), I would ask them if they needed any help carrying their bag. If they said yes (the most foul people always did), I would come out from behind the desk hobbling on a cane that was left by a guest years ago and pick up their suitcase.

When they would begin to protest I would just say “Sir, this is my job, ok? This is all I have.” Then I’d really put on a show struggling with the luggage, occasionally letting the particularly fragile-looking things get dropped.

Reach the person’s room completely sweaty and out of breath.

WHY YES, I ACCEPT TIPS. THANK YOU, SIR.

”

- sonofmog

"Sometimes when using the bathroom I recall a strange incident that happened to me when I was maybe..."

bracktoe — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:04:00 -0500

“

Sometimes when using the bathroom I recall a strange incident that happened to me when I was maybe 15 years old.

I was using the restroom, standing up while peeing, mentally reorganizing my closet full of star wars memorabilia, when it occurred to me that I had been standing there for over a minute and was still emptying my bladder. Stranger still, I felt no ease in flow, no feeling of completion drawing near. It seemed as though I had slipped inside an infinite time loop or into some seamless surreal animated gif. I stood there in my sweatsocks over the bowl, peeing in an unbroken golden arc until the end of all things. I began to think of Ode on a Grecian Urn and the two lovers locked forever in tender embrace as depicted on the Urn. I considered the majesty of it; being stuck in this peaceful, glorious moment, urinating like a common primate, celebrating the basest act of commonality among humans. Perhaps one day another being would find me like this, frozen in the fabric of space-time, like an explorer finding a caveman frozen in ice from another age. Perhaps I would be a new Lucy for the Universe.

I looked down at my watch and to my horror realized over two minutes had passed, along with a deepening yellow bloom of color in the frothy surface in front of me. I realized time was moving forward, at least on my watch. I wasn’t in a loop, but perhaps.. a pocket of time-space that was moving slower, or faster? That thought fluttered away as another more insisting concern barged its way to the front of my consciousness: how much can i possibly pee before i begin to dehydrate? How big was my bladder? Maybe I just had an unusually large bladder and had never
really plumbed the depths of it’s carrying capacity before. I began to wonder if pee-length was a category in Guinness.

As minute three approached, my mind began to filter out all of the distractions of sound and what lay in front of me, the sweat beading on my brow in an attempt to focus and think clearly. I began to step outside of myself, retracing my steps through the last few hours of the day as if viewing them as an out of body experience. I could see myself standing there over the bowl from above, and at the same time, could see all of the time leading up to the fateful moment this all began. My entire life passed in front of my eyes, as my mind poured out a flood of yellow-hued images, faster and faster. I began to hear a voice in the distance. It was my own disembodied baritone.

YOU MUST END THIS. ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER.

I snapped back to the stark reality at hand, past versions of myself coallescing into the form still standing. I looked again at my watch. Five minutes had passed. It was time to take action. I fixed my eyes on a point ahead of me; a spot on the wall where a nail once held purchase, upon which an old cartoon of a bear going to the bathroom in the woods once hung. I imagined closing the hole with my mind. I saw the hole begin to diminish, as if the drywall was healing from within. Soon I could not see the dark point at all, and silence followed. I looked down. My ordeal was over.

I stood there awhile longer, considering the bowl and the time that had passed according to my watch. I flushed and gathered myself up, taking a long deep breath. I stepped out of the bathroom and it was as if seeing the world for the first time. The world seemed to be reborn around me, as if I had indeed stepped off the earth for a short time and was returning to terra firma. To this day I cannot explain the events as I experienced them or what the cause may have been but I will tell you this, friends: ever since this nightmarish experience, I always make sure to tell someone else before I go pee, for safety.

”

- me

"If you were the President of the United States, I bet you’d get pretty hungry working such..."

bracktoe — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 08:57:29 -0500

“If you were the President of the United States, I bet you’d get pretty hungry working such long hours meeting with foreign dignitaries and such. That’s why if it were me I’d have a big red button with a timer installed on my desk that says “NUKE” rigged to a microwave hidden inside the desk.”

- me

BRB AFK

bracktoe — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 16:13:45 -0500

Dearest followers,

I apologize for not writing very often over the last week or so. I’ve been in the process of working my day job well into the night and am now in the middle of moving apartments. In truth I haven’t been venting my brain waves properly and now have a fukushima-type situation up there in the old hat rack. Once my schedule calms down a bit you can expect some more regularly timed releases of these slightly toxic emissions up into the internets to relieve some of the pressure.

Thanks to the literally dozens of people that have followed me over the last few weeks. I hope you continue to enjoy me making an ass of myself long into the future. When all of this started on the reddit I was a bit like this guy:

http://i.imgur.com/ocRx8.gif

But now, thanks to you, when I’m on the twitter or the tumblr I feel more and more like this guy.

http://i.imgur.com/I2wSt.gif

It’s been awesome. Thanks.

"I know the salesperson in the eyeglasses store thought the looks I was giving her were kind of..."

bracktoe — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:56:33 -0500

“I know the salesperson in the eyeglasses store thought the looks I was giving her were kind of strange, but how else am I going to test out these frames? Half the reason you wear glasses is to be able to take them off dramatically and look super serious all of a sudden.”

- me

Employee Snowglobe

bracktoe — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 14:01:03 -0500

Employee Snowglobe:

Occasionally I like to give out little seasonal gifts to my employees to recognize their contributions and to let them know I can see what they are doing.

"I remember fondly the first and last time I tried pretending I was a narwhal in the public pool. ..."

bracktoe — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 14:00:05 -0500

“I remember fondly the first and last time I tried pretending I was a narwhal in the public pool. Those old gals in the water aerobics class had the time of their lives.”

- me

"Come the apocalypse, your crude paper money will be worthless. That’s why my retirement fund..."

bracktoe — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 14:00:06 -0500

“Come the apocalypse, your crude paper money will be worthless. That’s why my retirement fund consists entirely of Magic the Gathering cards. No matter what happens to the global economy, some guy in a black t-shirt will be always there to barter with me for my Black Lotus (Alpha).”

- me

"I still don’t get why people watch the Indy 500. Worst car chase ever."

bracktoe — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 14:00:00 -0500

“I still don’t get why people watch the Indy 500. Worst car chase ever.”

- me

"If you’re ever cleaning up after a big house party full of tons of people and decide you need..."

bracktoe — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 14:00:05 -0500

“If you’re ever cleaning up after a big house party full of tons of people and decide you need to go grab your shoes so that you can take the trash out, and you go to grab them under the couch where you thought they were safe, and you pull them out, and they are each filled perfectly to the brim with vomit…sorry Dave, your shoes looked like miniature toilets. I .. I guess I thought the swooshes were the flushers.”

- me