“
I remember fondly working in a hotel for a time. I used to play this game where if a guest was being truly beastly to us (i’m talking Skeletor evil here), I would ask them if they needed any help carrying their bag. If they said yes (the most foul people always did), I would come out from behind the desk hobbling on a cane that was left by a guest years ago and pick up their suitcase.
When they would begin to protest I would just say “Sir, this is my job, ok? This is all I have.” Then I’d really put on a show struggling with the luggage, occasionally letting the particularly fragile-looking things get dropped.
Reach the person’s room completely sweaty and out of breath.
WHY YES, I ACCEPT TIPS. THANK YOU, SIR.
” — sonofmog“
Sometimes when using the bathroom I recall a strange incident that happened to me when I was maybe 15 years old.
I was using the restroom, standing up while peeing, mentally reorganizing my closet full of star wars memorabilia, when it occurred to me that I had been standing there for over a minute and was still emptying my bladder. Stranger still, I felt no ease in flow, no feeling of completion drawing near. It seemed as though I had slipped inside an infinite time loop or into some seamless surreal animated gif. I stood there in my sweatsocks over the bowl, peeing in an unbroken golden arc until the end of all things. I began to think of Ode on a Grecian Urn and the two lovers locked forever in tender embrace as depicted on the Urn. I considered the majesty of it; being stuck in this peaceful, glorious moment, urinating like a common primate, celebrating the basest act of commonality among humans. Perhaps one day another being would find me like this, frozen in the fabric of space-time, like an explorer finding a caveman frozen in ice from another age. Perhaps I would be a new Lucy for the Universe.
I looked down at my watch and to my horror realized over two minutes had passed, along with a deepening yellow bloom of color in the frothy surface in front of me. I realized time was moving forward, at least on my watch. I wasn’t in a loop, but perhaps.. a pocket of time-space that was moving slower, or faster? That thought fluttered away as another more insisting concern barged its way to the front of my consciousness: how much can i possibly pee before i begin to dehydrate? How big was my bladder? Maybe I just had an unusually large bladder and had never
really plumbed the depths of it’s carrying capacity before. I began to wonder if pee-length was a category in Guinness.
As minute three approached, my mind began to filter out all of the distractions of sound and what lay in front of me, the sweat beading on my brow in an attempt to focus and think clearly. I began to step outside of myself, retracing my steps through the last few hours of the day as if viewing them as an out of body experience. I could see myself standing there over the bowl from above, and at the same time, could see all of the time leading up to the fateful moment this all began. My entire life passed in front of my eyes, as my mind poured out a flood of yellow-hued images, faster and faster. I began to hear a voice in the distance. It was my own disembodied baritone.
YOU MUST END THIS. ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER.
I snapped back to the stark reality at hand, past versions of myself coallescing into the form still standing. I looked again at my watch. Five minutes had passed. It was time to take action. I fixed my eyes on a point ahead of me; a spot on the wall where a nail once held purchase, upon which an old cartoon of a bear going to the bathroom in the woods once hung. I imagined closing the hole with my mind. I saw the hole begin to diminish, as if the drywall was healing from within. Soon I could not see the dark point at all, and silence followed. I looked down. My ordeal was over.
I stood there awhile longer, considering the bowl and the time that had passed according to my watch. I flushed and gathered myself up, taking a long deep breath. I stepped out of the bathroom and it was as if seeing the world for the first time. The world seemed to be reborn around me, as if I had indeed stepped off the earth for a short time and was returning to terra firma. To this day I cannot explain the events as I experienced them or what the cause may have been but I will tell you this, friends: ever since this nightmarish experience, I always make sure to tell someone else before I go pee, for safety.
” — me“If you were the President of the United States, I bet you’d get pretty hungry working such long hours meeting with foreign dignitaries and such. That’s why if it were me I’d have a big red button with a timer installed on my desk that says “NUKE” rigged to a microwave hidden inside the desk.” — me
Dearest followers,
I apologize for not writing very often over the last week or so. I’ve been in the process of working my day job well into the night and am now in the middle of moving apartments. In truth I haven’t been venting my brain waves properly and now have a fukushima-type situation up there in the old hat rack. Once my schedule calms down a bit you can expect some more regularly timed releases of these slightly toxic emissions up into the internets to relieve some of the pressure.
Thanks to the literally dozens of people that have followed me over the last few weeks. I hope you continue to enjoy me making an ass of myself long into the future. When all of this started on the reddit I was a bit like this guy:
But now, thanks to you, when I’m on the twitter or the tumblr I feel more and more like this guy.
It’s been awesome. Thanks.
“I know the salesperson in the eyeglasses store thought the looks I was giving her were kind of strange, but how else am I going to test out these frames? Half the reason you wear glasses is to be able to take them off dramatically and look super serious all of a sudden.” — me
Occasionally I like to give out little seasonal gifts to my employees to recognize their contributions and to let them know I can see what they are doing.
“I remember fondly the first and last time I tried pretending I was a narwhal in the public pool. Those old gals in the water aerobics class had the time of their lives.” — me
“Come the apocalypse, your crude paper money will be worthless. That’s why my retirement fund consists entirely of Magic the Gathering cards. No matter what happens to the global economy, some guy in a black t-shirt will be always there to barter with me for my Black Lotus (Alpha).” — me
“I still don’t get why people watch the Indy 500. Worst car chase ever.” — me
“If you’re ever cleaning up after a big house party full of tons of people and decide you need to go grab your shoes so that you can take the trash out, and you go to grab them under the couch where you thought they were safe, and you pull them out, and they are each filled perfectly to the brim with vomit…sorry Dave, your shoes looked like miniature toilets. I .. I guess I thought the swooshes were the flushers.” — me
