“I really enjoy riding my bike to work, even though I’m riding in on a crappy little Schwinn which was probably manufactured in China. I think it’s funny when other bikers pass me, look at me on my bike and shake their head, speeding on down the road on their custom frames. Hey man, it’s not my fault your bike doesn’t have streamers like mine. Get over it.” — sonofmog
“I had my recurring dream last night where Chewbacca is my roommate in college, and is always giving me b.s. excuses on why he can’t unclog the hair from the shower drain. I don’t even get what you are saying half the time, bro.” — sonofmog
“Every morning I spend about 10 minutes trying to adjust the temperature of my shower head to that magic fraction of a centimeter on the dials between Death Ray and Freeze Beam I call the habitable zone. Today I was running late and didn’t have the time to zero in on the right temperature, so I chose to be flash-fried rather than risk hypothermia. After about five minutes of standing in what I imagine to be a few degrees removed from the surface of the Sun, I turned it off and emerged. I stepped out and looked at myself in the mirror. I was a giant lobster of a man. Standing there in my 72 degree apartment, I was billowing steam like a plate of dumplings freshly removed from a boiling pot. I proceeded to the bedroom creating a trail of steam in my wake as if I were a train chugging through the countryside. I hastily put on some random clothes, not paying attention to the fact that every article was wrinkled. In the next two minutes of brushing my teeth and combing my hair, my clothes unwrinkled themselves. I then realized I no longer needed an iron. I was in fact, Iron Man.” — sonofmog
“The thing I don’t like about guns is that for them to be useful, you have to use bullets. You have to put in the extra effort to load the gun, which uses up valuable seconds and broadcasts your intentions in a crisis situation. This is why when confronted by danger, I just immediately hurl myself head-first through the air towards my assailant, thereby becoming both the gun and the bullet in one deadly package.” — sonofmog
“
Why is it that when I walk into the restroom at work and see someone else using my preferred toilet I feel slightly betrayed, like I’ve caught a significant other in the act of cheating on me with someone else?
I thought we had something, toilet.
” — sonofmog
“I remember the time I thought the Ronald McDonald statue sitting on the bench was like Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, and could move again if someone applied special sauce to his joints. I don’t envy the employees who discovered my attempt to free him.” — sonofmog
“I must have had a sour look on my face, because my fiancée asked me if something was wrong. There was, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her. I’d spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out if Ducktales and Darkwing Duck exist in the same universe.” — sonofmog
I wake up, every day... right here. -
I made this one night while I was pondering the true nature of the internet and it’s relation to Bill Murray. Yes, I realize it has typos.
“Sometimes when I watch the Lord of the Rings movies I just have to sit back and really admire and respect the amount of time and effort it must have taken Tolkien to fully flesh-out and realize such a beautiful, enormous and fantastical world with all manner of interesting creatures and characters all living in constant fear of a giant lighthouse.” — sonofmog
